It’s day 52! Why am I posting these! Maybe their existence matters. Can I quantify what would make this 2 year exercise meaningful?
What did I hope would happen? maybe some people would start to follow me. maybe I’d connect with new people. maybe I’d learn something about myself.
What happened? I wrote a lot of words, did some experiments, had some fun, and sighed in the void.
Does it matter that my expectations haven’t aligned with reality? Idk bro, how can I be popular with anyone if some of the people closest to me don’t care about what I make (maybe about me.)?
“It sounds like you have something different going on.”
“Yeah, it was never about the website.”
“What was it about?”
“Feeling loved”
“Do you feel like you have to earn love or attention?”
“I guess, but ‘earn’ implies certainty. I have no certainty of any reward. I try to stand on the pedestal of my achievements to be worthy of love and attention, because if I don’t, I fade away”
“I know how that feels, like dead wind eroding rocks instead of flying kites or rustling flowers. It’s a kind of hunger.”
“Yeah, I hadn’t thought of that before. Sorry this dialogue is so awkward, I’m not very good at talking.”
“It’s okay, we all take our turn learning to speak.”
“…”
“I guess I thought this would be different, that this time I would succeed. I’d do something constructive and impressive: post every day for as long as possible. This wasn’t really a conscious thought, more of an underlying motive. But I’ve come to realize that most of the people I meet in life care very little about what I’ve achieved. Everything looks like swine to them, and pearls are a myth. And when I see the things I thought were valuable being cast aside, they start to lose value for me, and I gradually forget about them in pursuit of something truly valuable.”
“My guy, you don’t need to find something truly valuable because you’ve already found it: you. People don’t, and shouldn’t, need to be interested in or value you by proxy of some “thing” you achieved. Maybe somewhere along the line you stopped believing in your self-worth and started looking alternatives.”
“I know, but it’s hard. I’ve spent so long doing this. Curiosity is a strong motivator, but so is emptiness.”
“All is not lost and I’m here to help you. Here’s an idea: write down some things you value about yourself that have nothing to do with achievements. Put it somewhere you’ll see it and add to it as much as you want. The people worth being around will also value those same things about you. Also disclaimer I should have put at the start: I’m not a therapist or any other kind of health professional. I’m literally a figment of your imagination. You should probably talk with a qualified health care professional.”
“I understand, I’ll try the idea though. And I am.”
“:)”
*lights dim on set as Jacob falls asleep*
“I know how that feels, like dead wind eroding rocks instead of flying kites or rustling flowers. It’s a kind of hunger.”- is such a perfect and succinct description. This post is like doing something normally done with people by yourself, it hits different and you no longer take it for granted. idkw but it made me feel that way. Wish I had something more insightful to say, but I guess I don’t.
Hey, i really appreciate your response! i want to take more risks and write more things like this
Definitely do so! Your truest self is what people will always care most about, as well as being the most freeing to express
❤️