Hey y’a’l’l,
I constantly ask myself why I’m still posting here and if there’s any meaning in it. Most of the time it feels pointless. But maybe I’m not the best judge of that right now. I don’t think posting here is hurting me and it doesn’t consume much of my time. I can’t find meaning now, but maybe I will in the future. I don’t know what I’ll do when I end this long-winded experiment and maybe I won’t know then either. What I do know is the chance of being seen feels better than abyss. Even though I’m in darkness now, I feel the tiny spotlights roving.
What does it mean to be authentic?
Does it matter?
Why do I care what other people think?
Can I change who I am without a reference?
Why do I give so much voice to the negative?
I’ve always wanted someone in the comments being like “yo keep goin’ dude, you’ll make it” or maybe “Hey, I care.” Why can’t I be that person for myself? Because it’s cringe? I want to not care.
Weird I’ve only commented once before, even though I’ve been here since before the beginning. Look at how far you’ve come! Tomorrow is post number 900, and that matters. I know you want to be more than the things you do, but that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate what you’ve accomplished. Just look at your writing! There’s nothing wrong with your first few hundred posts, but now you edit less and sound better. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t focus so much on your perceived imperfections and questions that you can’t enjoy who you are now. And you deserve to enjoy who you are now and where you are now. So take it in! Sorry it took me so long to say that. I know the support you’ve wanted is your own. Now I’m here and I’m not leaving 💖